Feedback Request

[Deleted]

I usually don’t participate in feedback threads and only give feedback upon private request.  However, I figured this thread could be useful if anyone feels like they want my two cents on what they’re putting out there.  This isn’t some weird egotist thing either; I honestly just want to be at the disposal of anyone within this community and want to get the word out.  Some people may value that and others won’t.  It’s cool and I am fully aware that everyone is different and not everyone has the same goals in the hobby.

But if you truly desire some lengthy feedback, just ask within the thread and you’ll get it.

Have a great day!

[Deleted]

I'd love some feedback.

[Deleted]

Jun 25, 2016 19:26:14 GMT @dickdevereaux said:

I'd love some feedback.

Considering what I have to work with as far as feedback goes is one micro piece, I feel a bit uneasy giving you legitimate feedback, but I am going to try.

The micro concept is tricky. It’s not really a true form of writing because there are elements of persuasion and subjectivity that people will have opinions on, but I don’t think there was any logical facts in the piece at all aside from one sentence about how weapons hurt anyone from anywhere. Which isn’t a big deal, because you wrote what I consider a traditional piece when it comes to e-Fedding – you simply wrote your character and spoke about your opponent.

People would be surprised to know that I enjoy the basics of this hobby and when I say basics, I mean writing simple and making it effective. You were straight and to the point, but what Dick said didn’t have me convinced why he would win. It was, in all in all, just some hollow trash talk. I don’t want you to feel like you did a bad job, because you didn’t. The best part of your writing was your prose, in my opinion, because it added some imagery to your character and it seemed like you knew what you wanted to write. However, the argument and the why just did not exist. You did comment about how Voidstar is delusional, which is a good point because he probably is – just look at him. But you didn’t turn that into a, “he is delusional and this is why that is a negative trait.” A character like Voidstar should be relatively easy to write against because of his overall appearance and concept.

But everything else was great. For example, the opening paragraph where you essentially describe the environment was well done. I liked it. You painted a great picture. How you described the sweat off his bald head is a good bit, too. But keep in mind that if you waste words on random talk about how Dick is calling out the rest of the roster, it’s kind of just filler; in the micro concept, you’re so limited that literally every word can matter. I always try to cut out random talk and made it a point to tie character dialogue into some sort of factual relevance. Sometimes that can be difficult.

You could’ve done something like this:

“You know, Void, you’re just a small man with a mask on. You flip around the ring and call yourself a wrestler, but all I see is a circus clown destined for the mental ward.”

That’s a stiffer way to call him delusional. It does eat up more words, though. But notice how I talk about how he is delusional and an apparent lucha. I also called him small, from Dick’s point of view, because Dick has about 40 pounds on him. That’s a big difference. I could go on and on but that’s just what came off my mind right this second; there isn’t a wrong way or a right way to really do it and you might be able to get better micro advice from someone else.

Your punctuation lacked in some areas that a word processor isn’t normally going to pick up. You misspelled one word that looks like a cat jumped on your keyboard. These are very mild errors, though, and nothing that truly detracted – more technical than anything else.

Keep on truckin’!

[Deleted]

Thanks for the feedback boss! This is a newer character so I need everything I can. This was a sort of rushed RP that I wrote in about an hour on my phone. If there was any typos or anything, was probably because of that lol.

Regardless, I appreciate the kind words and the constructive criticism! I'll be back for more if you'll have me.

[Deleted]

Although it scares me a little.. I take the risk. Give momma some feedback please.

[Deleted]

Jun 27, 2016 13:17:32 GMT @theladyofchambers said:

Although it scares me a little.. I take the risk. Give momma some feedback please.

My biggest issue with your writing is probably the inaccurate use of periods versus commas versus semi-colons versus a dash. I honestly cannot tell if it may just be a stylistic preference or if it is just misuse, but I feel like it’s the only real thing in your way of becoming better at writing English literature.

I’d probably write upwards of 2k words if I were to really go over every little tactic or tip, so I’ll be a bit short with my help on this issue.


Periods have a pause:

I went to the lake for the summer. We rode bicycles once we got there.


Semi-colons are a medium pause, not like a period but not like a comma, which is a very brief pause:

I went to the lake for the summer; we rode bicycles once we got there.


When you read the semi-colon example, you should be saying it quicker than if that semi-colon was an actual period. The semi-colon only links two statements without a conjunction, which would be words like but, and, for, and so.


If you decide to use that conjunction, you’re only extending your sentence because it may not be another statement but just an addition:

I went to the lake for the summer, but we forgot to bring the bicycles.


Your use of commas isn’t bad, but your weakness is flow.


“There will always be that one person that looks at you and is able to figure you out, Nev.”

Whenever you end a sentence with a word that is a name or too, you need to go ahead and place that comma in there before the sentences ends. This is a very common mistake and you shouldn’t feel bad about making it; I’ve seen college students majoring in English make this mistake frequently.

The dash is the hardest punctuation mark to use correctly and I would typically advise to leave it alone unless you’re interrupting your sentence with a quick statement or factual tidbit, or simply making an addition to a statement by providing an afterthought. Typically, it is used to enhance independent clauses and it is the correct tool in countering fragmented sentences, which is what are short burst sentences used in succession. It is mainly a stylistic preference and isn’t something everyone needs or even uses.

Some examples:

“Wolfe started to clean up the mess – the bodies of Axel and Dane – in order to flee the scene quickly.”

And

“Evan Wolfe was an evildoer – unhinged, sadistic, bloodthirsty.”


So your biggest hurdle isn’t necessarily character development or even forming an idea; you’ve already shown me you have a grasp on creativity. It’s going to be using these tools of punctuation to better sculpt your sentences and that will drastically increase the flow of your writing. I can guarantee that.

Keep on truckin’!

[Deleted]

Jun 27, 2016 23:56:34 GMT @halladay said:

Jun 27, 2016 13:17:32 GMT @theladyofchambers said:

Although it scares me a little.. I take the risk. Give momma some feedback please.

My biggest issue with your writing is probably the inaccurate use of periods versus commas versus semi-colons versus a dash. I honestly cannot tell if it may just be a stylistic preference or if it is just misuse, but I feel like it’s the only real thing in your way of becoming better at writing English literature.

I’d probably write upwards of 2k words if I were to really go over every little tactic or tip, so I’ll be a bit short with my help on this issue.


Periods have a pause:

I went to the lake for the summer. We rode bicycles once we got there.


Semi-colons are a medium pause, not like a period but not like a comma, which is a very brief pause:

I went to the lake for the summer; we rode bicycles once we got there.


When you read the semi-colon example, you should be saying it quicker than if that semi-colon was an actual period. The semi-colon only links two statements without a conjunction, which would be words like but, and, for, and so.


If you decide to use that conjunction, you’re only extending your sentence because it may not be another statement but just an addition:

I went to the lake for the summer, but we forgot to bring the bicycles.


Your use of commas isn’t bad, but your weakness is flow.


“There will always be that one person that looks at you and is able to figure you out, Nev.”

Whenever you end a sentence with a word that is a name or too, you need to go ahead and place that comma in there before the sentences ends. This is a very common mistake and you shouldn’t feel bad about making it; I’ve seen college students majoring in English make this mistake frequently.

The dash is the hardest punctuation mark to use correctly and I would typically advise to leave it alone unless you’re interrupting your sentence with a quick statement or factual tidbit, or simply making an addition to a statement by providing an afterthought. Typically, it is used to enhance independent clauses and it is the correct tool in countering fragmented sentences, which is what are short burst sentences used in succession. It is mainly a stylistic preference and isn’t something everyone needs or even uses.

Some examples:

“Wolfe started to clean up the mess – the bodies of Axel and Dane – in order to flee the scene quickly.”

And

“Evan Wolfe was an evildoer – unhinged, sadistic, bloodthirsty.”


So your biggest hurdle isn’t necessarily character development or even forming an idea; you’ve already shown me you have a grasp on creativity. It’s going to be using these tools of punctuation to better sculpt your sentences and that will drastically increase the flow of your writing. I can guarantee that.

Keep on truckin’!

Thank you very much love. I will try to get a hold of it. I am like literally the dumbest person when it comes to .,- lol those bitches hate me. But it is so loveley you took time for me. xox Michelle

[Deleted]

No problem at all. The best tip I could give you is always ask Davey about how he graded your work every week. I did this back in other feds and he has an eagle eye for mistakes - it's invaluable! He alone by judging your MDE's every week can get you there.

[Deleted]

Scary Davey. SO SCARY!

[Deleted]

What up bud? Got another piece I'd love to hear your view on! Give it a read and let me know what you think!

Thanks!

engagewrestling.proboards.com/thread/294/002-gold-standard-engage

[Deleted]

Jul 1, 2016 0:37:38 GMT @dickdevereaux said:

What up bud? Got another piece I'd love to hear your view on! Give it a read and let me know what you think!

Thanks!

engagewrestling.proboards.com/thread/294/002-gold-standard-engage

I'm chillin like a villain.

I'll get to this tomorrow, chief.

[Deleted]

You can give me some on whichever in here you feel like reading.

engagewrestling.proboards.com/thread/298/lex-collins-archive-feedback?page=1&scrollTo=1357

[Deleted]

Jul 1, 2016 0:37:38 GMT @dickdevereaux said:

What up bud? Got another piece I'd love to hear your view on! Give it a read and let me know what you think!

Thanks!

engagewrestling.proboards.com/thread/294/002-gold-standard-engage

@dickdevereaux,

You really tried to throw some logical facts in there on your most recent MDE. I really saw the difference and I know what you might be thinking. Whenever I wrote MDE’s, sometimes I felt like the logical standpoint got in my way only served to be a hindrance, and most of the time I am not satisfied with writing MDE’s because of the obstacle course they can be. I get it; you get a limited amount of words and you’re writing to criteria that isn’t necessarily something you normally think about when you write from your heart or from your mind.

Therefore, I felt like most of it was tossed in there with a cringe. It came across as a list and something read off a card and to be completely honest with you, that’s how most people do it when they first start incorporating any logical facts within their writing in the hobby. Nowhere else will you find anything logical about the “shoots” and “RPs” that people write – it’s just stuff people throw against the wall and they’re hoping that something sticks. That’s the difference between this place and every other place. It might sound snooty, it might sound arrogant, but I can confidently tell you that 95% of e-Feds that exist don’t have the following:

a) An actual, sensible grading system for the writing.
b) Someone credible enough to actually grade it.

It just doesn’t exist. And I don’t want anyone to take this as praise to Davey, because I’m the last ass kisser you’ll ever meet; I normally buck against authority.

However, the point is that it’s hard to use logical facts. You aren’t accustomed to it and I can tell when I read your MDE’s. But it’s cool, dude, because you’re great at a lot of things that people can really appreciate. Your voice with Dick is spot on and it feels like this person exists. My only gripe is that you haven’t taken some time to write a character development piece, which would be useful and I can honestly tell you that I hope you do whenever you find a moment. I want to know more about Dick and why he is the way he is.

But the logical fact point, and the content, lacks a bit. You’re entertaining and you honestly don’t have many issues with grammar or punctuation (nothing that takes away from the reading experience). My best advice is to take some time and think out more creative ways to use any logical facts. Have Dick do something, rather than just talk to a camera; tell a story within 850 (is that the limit now?) words. That’s my advice for you.

But I do like your character. He is fun to write in matches and he is a good bad guy because he isn’t overly evil or sinister. He’s like a working class dickhead – that’s how I envision it.

Keep on truckin’.

[Deleted]

Jul 3, 2016 3:05:51 GMT @collins said:

You can give me some on whichever in here you feel like reading.

engagewrestling.proboards.com/thread/298/lex-collins-archive-feedback?page=1&scrollTo=1357

@collins,

Wow. You know, I’ve read some books in my life (but not enough, honestly) and from time to time I’ll come across something so deep that it hooks you almost instantly. But I’m not exactly like everyone else when I go to the bookstore – and my girlfriend makes fun of me for this a lot – in that I don’t always look for a specific story or a theme. I study writing. It isn’t necessarily about what a character does or how they do it, or the plot itself. For instance, I didn’t buy The Scarlet Letter because I think it’s a great story – I could care less. But I enjoy the style and I appreciate the time period in which it came from.

Your prose and overall narrator ability is pretty good. You need to stick with this and incorporate it more, in my opinion, because it’s your strongest trait. The dialogue was impressive in terms of fleshing out the story without the need for the prose, which kind of goes against what I just told you, but my only true gripe is that I feel like you’re good enough to not even use that much dialogue, and perhaps it would benefit if you didn’t in some cases.

Here’s why:

People who write heavy prose – descriptive and beautiful – tend to be weaker in the dialogue department and don’t lean on it as much. Their story comes from the narrator and the description. Actions speak louder than words.

Most writers that can’t or don’t like to saturate their writing with prolific prose tend to use dialogue more. Writer’s like Hemingway did this. If you haven’t ever read him, I suggest you do because he was brief and to the point – something that is more present today than way back then – and took his time to make every bit of dialogue believable. Your dialogue isn’t as believable, and that’s because it seemed to go round and round a bit. You stopped telling a story or were in the process of drawing it out when the doctor was speaking to the child about his abuse. It wasn’t hard to read, because to be quite honest with you, it’s still interesting because they feel so darn real.

Which brings me to your ability to portray a character, which is Lex. I think it’s masterful. The vernacular is tough but believable and fresh. Stephen King does this and it’s fucking annoying sometimes and you do it very similar, just not as annoying. People appreciate that stuff and you seem to really have an image and feel for Collins, something that a lot of people lack. Pat yourself on the back.

Then do it again; pat yourself on the back again.

But honestly, the only thing I would do differently is change up the dialogue or use the prose and narration more often. You have your own style and I can appreciate that – it’s distinctive and I could pick it out of a crowd.

Keep on truckin’.